Thanks, mum...

...in which I attempt to express deep thoughts and feelings while drunk

It is currently 3:30AM. I have drunk the best part of 3 bottles of wine, and I have no doubt that I am somewhat tipsy. (This may be an understatement).

For some reason, at this point in my life my thoughts have turned to my mum, whose birthday it was just a few days ago. I shall not pull punches here; my mother (and therefore myself and my half brother) has had a hell of a life; my father died in a motorcycle accident before I was born, back when being a single mother was something to be ashamed of. My first stepfather died of a debilitating mental disease that turned him into a walking wreck that could just about ask for money to buy fags and not much else.

It took our house being burned down for local government to realise that we were not equipped to deal with him - and this despite him being sent back from an institution for mentally handicapped patients because they "couldn't cope" with him (apparently it was perfectly OK for a mother and 2 kids of 12 and 8 to cope with him).

Through all of this, though I didn't appreciate it at the time, my mum was there for me. I might have* been a self-centred little bastard with all the empathy of a psychotic maniac, but I never doubted that if I needed to talk to someone my mum was there.

*definitely was.

The point of this blog post is not to bemoan these things; they are part of what has made me who I am, and though I might wish them otherwise I might not have my wife and 3 beautiful kids if it wasn't for these experiences.

The point of this is just to say "thanks, mum". God knows I never said it, but if anybody ever deserved thanks from an ungrateful little sod, it was you.

A list of useful lies

...in which I provide a list of good lies to tell bad people who want to take over your PC

As you may remember, not long ago I was threatened with jail by a nasty man who wanted to get control of my computer, or make me download a virus or somesuch thing (I'm still free, despite my apparently heinous crime of refusing to believe him).  Since I get 2 - 3 of these calls a month, I have started coming up with lies/ploys to use to get them to hang up before I do.

I do this purely for my own amusement - if you get one of these calls that begins with "I'm calling from Microsoft/Windows Service Department/Windows Maintenance Department/some other official sounding organisation" and claims you have a virus and need to immediately install Remove-O-Virus 2012 because McAfee/Norton/AVG/whatever doesn't work, by far your best course of action is to hang up immediately.  I just like the thought of some guy thinking he's getting somewhere and then realising that I'm taking the mickey, plus it stops him calling up and annoying somebody else.


This technique is not unique to me at all - just about any vaguely technical type will probably do something very similar if they have time, because we're a bit sick and twisted like that.
Anyway, here are some lies (or at least they're lies for me - they might not be for you!) you can tell if you're too polite to hang up immediately, or if they are persistent - I've had one guy call me back 5 times after I told him I knew he was trying to scam me - that should get them to hang up:


1) I run Unix/use a Mac (when they ask you to open Windows Event Viewer or click the start button) - this will almost always result in them getting off the phone pretty much instantly.


2) I don't have a computer - they're only calling you because you're on a list of random phone numbers they've got from somewhere.  They don't know you've got a computer, so tell them you haven't and they'll hang up (if you really haven't, this has the merit of not being a lie).


3) I don't have Internet access - if you don't have Internet access they can't do much, since their scam usually relies on you going to a website.  I guess they might try to get you to buy software over the phone, in which case just hang up. Do not under any circumstances give them any information that you would not want to give to a criminal.


4) The computer was taken by the bailiffs - credit to my wife for this one.


5) Ask them to hold while you turn the computer on and wait to see how long it takes before they hang up


If you're fairly tech-savvy yourself I have no doubt you have your own favourite ways to torment these people, but for entertainment's sake here are some of mine:


Pretend to play along while actually playing on the PC on whatever game you feel like. 


Pretend to be on dial up so that whatever site they tell you to go to takes ages to load...then just after you tell them it's loaded, hang up.


Let them get to the part in their script where they show you the *.inf files that they will claim to be infections (because everybody knows virus writers like to make it easy to identify their products) and then tell them that these are device driver information files.


Say that the PC is off and that you need to boot it up, then that it's running Scandisk  because there's an error on your hard disk.  After about 3 minutes tell them it's got to 2%.  They may actually stay on the line until you say it's finished (people have reported them hanging on for anything up to 30 minutes), in which case you could say that Windows won't start because the disk is too badly damaged.  (Credit to Dave at http://lakeuk.blogspot.com/2011/07/cold-phone-call-international-routing.html for the start-up idea).


Pretend to have typed in the code they will give you to let them take control of your computer then scream "It's melting! My computer's melting!" before hanging up.


Note that if you do any of these, they may become aggressive and abusive - just hang up.


On a serious note, some ways you can recognise these calls (if any single one of these is true you can be pretty much sure it's a scam call):

• They mention the "International Routing System"
• They claim to be from "Microsoft's Technical Department", "Windows Troubleshooting" or anything similar (see here and here) 
• They try to get you to go to a website and download any kind of executable file

There's no foolproof list - the best advice is to maintain a healthy level of skepticism about unsolicited calls.  Very few large corporations will call users like this, and Microsoft certainly do not. 


C.

Happy New Year

...in which I fail to fail to make New Year's Resolutions.


(Yes, the title is correct. No, I didn't put an extra "fail to" in by mistake).


I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not very good at keeping the types of resolutions that are typically made at this time of year. Therefore I decided long ago that I should not make any.  Unfortunately what I know I should do and what I actually do are often diametrically opposed, and therefore I will fail to not make any resolutions.

I'm not sure why I'm so bad at keeping resolutions like "stop eating junk"; in the past I have given up both smoking and gambling, both of which are exceptionally addictive and require huge amounts of willpower to overcome. Since I managed both of them without professional outside help (although my wife Ann did help considerably in both endeavours) it can be assumed that I do have willpower. Maybe I used it all up giving those things up.

Anyway, despite my best efforts to resist there is something very beguiling about the idea of recreating yourself at the start of a new year.  Even though I know there's nothing magical or particularly special about some particular moment in time (other than the meaning that humans give it) I will not be able to resist making some resolutions, and then I will feel guilty about failing to keep them.

So, I thought I would share my resolutions here in the hope that the knowledge that the anonymous (and not so anonymous) people of the Internet are watching me might motivate me to actually put some effort in to keeping them

1) I will join a band before I'm 42 - I have quite a lot of expensive musical equipment and a very nice guitar, which I rarely use other than for practice (which I try to do every day), and I really should do something with it.  I can still remember the last time I played on stage (at a gig with some work mates at the last placed I actually worked for as an employee) and it's a great feeling.  I'm not intending to become a superstar or anything - just some laughs with like minded people and hopefully a few local gigs.

2) I will run another half marathon - I kind of messed up my training for the Reading half marathon last year due to changing contracts a few months before it happened and having a lot less time to train than I wanted.  The most likely candidate this year is the Lake Vyrnwy half marathon, which happens in September.  Hopefully that gives me time to start running seriously again and lose some weight (not necessarily in that order).  


Given the way I felt after running the Reading Half (see here) I'm not sure why I would want to subject myself to that again; I can only assume that I have some masochistic tendencies buried deep inside me somewhere (they must be buried very deep, since generally I consider pain to be a Very Bad Thing).  This time I may do it for a local charity though, rather than my own satisfaction.


3) I will blog more often - This ought to be pretty easy since this is the first blog I've written in err....five and a half months; I'm not going to set myself a schedule but I will try to write every time I think I've got an idea worth writing about or just something amusing to say.  I shall also, of course, be writing about my training for another half marathon but last time I found that was very dull.


4) I will work harder - I've been very bad for the last month or so; this was largely because of the impending arrival of Christmas and with it two of our children's birthdays (Christmas is largely one long week of stress for us as two of our children have their birthdays within 5 days of the 25th, but thankfully it's usually fun stress rather than all out pulling-your-hair-out-oh-good-grief-what-are-the-kids-up-to-now-it's-your-job-to-control-them-no-it's-yours-argh-argh-help type stress).  


The trouble with failing to work is that because I am effectively self employed if I don't work I don't get paid; therefore it's kind of essential that I do quite a lot of work in the next couple of months to make up for the work I didn't do last month, but it's no good moaning about it because I have nobody to blame but myself.


I think 4 is probably sufficient; especially as number 2 carries with it the necessity to a) eat more healthily and b) take quite a lot of exercise so it really counts as 6.


Mad middle child is now moaning at me for toast and will probably throw something at me soon if I don't make it, so I shall sign off there.  Hopefully there will be less of me next time I write...


p'tang-yang-kipper-bang and all that.


C.